I no longer jerk off like normal guys do. It has become a tool to temporarily relieve my loneliness; to wash away the thoughts with a chemical shot of dopamine goodness.

The worst part about being lonely? It’s accumulating, building to an unimaginable point of anguish that doesn’t get better regardless of how much you try to ignore it. Each day, each time I dwell on it, intangible pain attacks at the core of my person. It’s lashing out crying for affection, for love and emotion. To give you a sense of the depth of my overwhelming loneliness, consider that I just turned 30 years old a few days ago, I have lived alone for 13 years straight, and I’ve never had a relationship or been in love. The word “lonely” is an understatement and doesn’t properly describe my current state.

Loneliness is eroding the happiness that was once my cheerful outlook on life. Undoing an entire childhood of sunny days at the beach and fun with friends at school. It’s fundamentally turning me into an angry and sad person. No, I am not being over dramatic in professing these statements. In fact my problem is that most of my life I’ve hidden my emotions.

I need to stop following personal tumblr blogs of the types of girls I’m attracted to. It’s like: you get to somewhat know a person when they share so much about themselves, and then she’ll just casually mention “lol had sex last night” like it’s nothing. And it’s not about the fact that they had sex that gets to me, it’s the casual flippantness towards an emotional connection that I’ve never experienced and yearn for. Living my emotional life vicariously is disastrous.

On the upside, for the longest time I thought I was a hollow person, emotionally dead inside. For a decade this loneliness that has been building finally reaching the point where it can no longer be ignored. And I sometimes bring myself to tears at the thought of it.

Psychology 101: Why do I run a blog filled with unique and interesting women? The answer is: to gain a brief injection of emotion into my empty existence. It’s too simple to just download a moment of happiness, download my deepest desire; analogous to crack for the emotionally starving. Why do I torture myself by falling in love with the unobtainable? Connecting with a kind face, inner vulnerability shining through. Experiencing private moments, skin and body exposed. The happy and quirky girl next door that longs for a connection just as I do. Only she will probably never know my sadness, unless of course she gains 200 lbs and adopts 11 cats.

God damn it, this is pitiful whining. Why don’t I just go out and meet a girl? Try doing that when you live on social security, don’t own a car, have just started to noticeably lose your hair, and have never had a job in your life. But hey, at least I’m not fat or ugly. And why am I telling 5200 of my followers this? Maybe a cry for help, though I don’t know how it could solve anything. “For now” I’ll continue and escape reality through the internet and video games.

This is my personal blog, I don’t care if this is TMI, or who knows. I’ve stopped caring about artificial walls people put up to hide their true self.?

Begin by escaping reality for a decade in utter seclusion. Throughout this span of time, happily play video games and live vicariously on the internet. Then put the wheels of despondency in motion by starting a blog. It doesn’t matter what it contains, so long as it attracts the adoration of women for being a-typical and relateable. Begin email discussions with one of your female blog followers; find out you have a lot in common, are both single, and desperately needing of each others company. Next travel 1000~ miles to spend a week together on a MUCH needed vacation. Get a taste of love, passion and the unfamiliar euphoric sensation it gives. The drug of all drugs. It’s too late you’re already addicted, don’t try and fight it, even if you wanted to. Conclude your emotional and sexual rendezvous with sorrow after the cold realization that it wont work out because you live one thousand fucking miles apart… The seed has been planted… But don’t worry, you’ll be fine while riding an emotional high for a subjective amount of time, perhaps a month or two.

Then it will hit you.

First you’ll try to fill the void with porn, romantic movies, listening to soothing songs with female singers… anything that will respite the voiceless cries of yearning. Days will pass where none of it will help any longer, and that subtle cry of pain of will become a blaring trumpet of despair. Love cravings will accumulate in the pit of your soul like cholesterol platelets clogging the arteries of an obese person. It’s now only a matter of time.

In desperation you’ll sign up to dating sites, only to be rejected many times due to being far too honest for your own good in your profile writings. Confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac for women, or so you’ve been told, right? So lets now attempt for the first time in your life to have a one-night-stand and go to a bar. Woah there tiger, that was a fucking horrible idea. More rejection, more sucker punches to your libido and frail ego. Conclude by spending days emotionally crushed, sporadically weeping at the mere thought of women, love, and your deep primal need for it. Don’t forget to throw in a dash of feeling like you’re going to throw up, but you never can, because that would give some form of relief that this cruel and unsympathetic reality refuses to give.

In the vast black unspeakably violent and indifferent universe, through an astronomical chance of circumstances paths cross. The odds are in the houses favor.